Day 4: Thursday

Big/Little Reveal:

Today is a very special day for my sorority, Theta. Today is the day that we finally reveal to the new member class who their "big sisters" are. We've spent the entire week tricking them, leaving them gifts, and keeping our identities a secret, and tonight is finally the big reveal! After the reveal, it is also tradition that each family goes out together for a celebratory dinner. I have to admit that I've been more nervous about how I am going to navigate this dinner than how my little is going to react when she sees that I'm her big. Earlier in the week I left about $8 in my budget to spend tonight, but I have no idea if there is going to be something on the menu that is $8 and also a filling entrée.

I SNAPPED: 

So the excitement of Big/Little reveal is over, and I am now back in my room and have been lying down on my bed with my knees tucked in for the past half hour because my stomach hurts so badly. I snapped tonight. I totally, completely, and shamefully snapped. When we arrived at Stuzzi's I knew I was in trouble. Italian food is my all time, absolute favorite. But I knew that I only had $8 left to spend on one entrée, and I didn't want to try to manipulate the rules by splitting food with another person. So as a result, I ordered a parmesan and arugala salad for exactly $8 and it was SO good. Compared to my wilted spinach with chunks of carrots, this salad was heavenly. The only problem was that it was also tiny, and as I ate it, I couldn't believe that it cost as much as two days worth of food. When I finished the salad, my tastebuds felt satisfied, but my stomach did not at all.

Once the waitress took away my plate I just sat, drinking my water, watching wistfully as the rest of my friends laughed and shouted across the table, passing pasta and pizza dishes back and forth trying each others food. Even though I was obviously included in the celebration, I felt weirdly on the outside. I think my "big sister" Olivia could tell that I was in a strange place, and 15 minutes later a plate of gnocchi drenched in a creamy tomato basil sauce was placed on the table in between us. Confused, I looked at her as she smiled and motioned towards the plate and said "For us to split.." Despite all of the loud conversation and music in the restaurant, the only thing I could hear was my stomach and my conscious. My head kept saying, "STOP its just pasta you can make pasta in your room at school..don't do it, you're stronger than this!!" and my stomach saying "Eat me and join in on the celebration..this will make you feel satisfied, full, and happy. Go ahead, take one bite, one bite won't hurt anyone."

My stomach won. 

I took one bite and shrugged my shoulders, thinking it wasn't a big deal after all. But then one bite led to another, which led to another..and I'm honestly ashamed to say I finished the whole thing. And now I am laying here, on my bed, literally in pain because my stomach isn't used to eating so much rich food and I am SO mad at myself. WHY did I let my "hunger" override what I knew was the right thing to do. I wasn't actually hungry...I just wasn't satisfied. I was jealous of the happiness that others were getting from enjoying and sharing their food, and I wanted to join in. But I knew better. I could have still completely stuck to the challenge by only eating the $8 salad...but no, I snapped. And the worst part is that I snapped because I could...I snapped because I had the option to. There was a steaming plate of food in front of me, and I had the option to stop playing pretend, step back into my real life and eat the whole thing. People who are receiving SNAP benefits, do not have that option. They can't just shrug their shoulders and say "What the hell, I'll just splurge, eat this one delicious meal, then go back to being poor." I'm so disappointed in myself because I feel like I broke the challenge by completely disregarding everything I had learned about the reality of SNAP benefits in the past few days. Granted, I am learning SO much right now about myself and the choices I just made, but I can't help but feel so ashamed and guilty.